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[Captain has managed to get ahold of a network communication device, despite the misgivings of all those around them who had felt strongly against allowing the giantess free access to bothering nearly everyone in the city in one go. What could go wrong, right?
They've been fiddling with the phone-like device for the last few hours, actually keeping quiet, mostly, leaving Snippy alone on their day off from paper-making and flower-picking and other non-flammable tasks. It appears that they have re-arranged their cramped living-quarters to mimic a GoodNewsNetwork: that is, garrishly decorated with stock charts for imaginary shares of various Zion family shops, finger-painted explosions and romantic renditions of the surface, and smiling faces. They're not terrible drawings, but they're certainly not appropriate for the pragmatism displayed by most of those who've come to call Zion their home.]
GREETINGS, DEAR SUBSCRIBERS, TO A BRAND NEW DAY IN A SPANKING NEW YEAR OF OUR LARD AND SAVINGS-MEISTER NEO, A MAN FOR WHOM PEOPLE STAND UP ON CORNERS AND YELL A LOT OF THINGS AND FOR WHOM THE BUMP-AND-GRIND IS A YEARLY DEVOTION!
I HAVE MANY NEW LOGES TO EXPEDIATE APLOMBISHLY BUT FIRST! BREAKING NEWS!!
[Captain swivels in their chair, grabbing from a stack of hand-made paper sheets to hold up a picture of a crashed wreckage. It bears the likeness of Erebus, if one is familiar with all of the different hovercraft available to the city.]
THE EVERYBUS HAS CRASHED ACROSS FORTY-EIGHTIETH AND NINETY NINER BAY ENTRY, LEAVING SEVERAL INJURED AND MANY FRIGHTENED! AN EYE WITNESS REPORTS!!
[Captain whirls around in their chair, slipping up their massive black ring-scarf and donning a loose, ragged toque in the process. They glance, sparely filled-in brows raised, to the network device, and then off to one side. Whirling back, the doff their cap and yell,]
HELLO, BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY, WE HAVE HEARD THAT YOU WERE CAUGHT IN THE CENTER OF THIS TRAGEDY AND THAT YOU HAVE MANY WONDERFUL INSIGHTS TO SHARE WITH US ON THIS DAY! SURELY SHARING THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION WITH ZION WILL STRENGTHEN THE BONDS OF CAPTANIA WITH ZION, PROVIDING A LASTING ALLEGIANCE THAT WILL REMAIN HONOURED BY OUR GRANDSONS AND GRAND-DAUGHTERS?!
[They whirl again, toque-on. Bringing a hand up to their mouth, they demure, replying]
EHHM--IT IS CONSIDERED A DELICATE MATTER, MEIN CAPTEIN; THERE ARE MANY SENSITIVE MATTERS TO CONCERN THOSE WHO NEED TO KNOW!
NONSENSE! [Another character-swap; Captain continues swiveling the chair to play each role.] ZION NEEDS TO HEAR WITH THEIR SIZZLING EARS THIS HOT TOPIC OF DEBATE!! SPILL THE BEANS, RELEASE THE CATS, AND SPREAD THE NEWS!!!
AHH... WELL, YOU SEE, THE ERRANTBUS WAS GOING ABOUT BUSINESS AS USUAL, AND I, I WAS MANNING THE STATIONS--
TO THE ACTION!
--CAPTAIN, PLEASE! AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS MANNING ALL OF THE STATIONS, WHEN A DESPERATE PLEA CAME OVER THE RADIO, BREAKING THE COMMUNICATIONS SILENCE WHICH WE HAD BEEN REQUIRED TO UPHOLD. THE MACHINES ARE VERY STRICT LIBRARIANS WHO PREFER TO SHUSH THOSE OF US WHO CHOOSE TO VISIT THEIR VAST STOCKS OF READING MATERIAL YOU KNOW--
--GET TO THE POINT!
--AH!! WELL YOU SEE!! [Captain leans over and digs up a stack of papers, showing a picture of four red-sweatered people raising their arms with... stink lines? Noise lines, more likely, emanating from two of their faces.] I LISTENED VERY CLOSELY, SO CLOSELY THAT MY EARS THEY WERE PRESSED RIGHT INTO THE SPEAKERPHONES, AND RECEIVED TWO MESSAGES.
[They proceed to do a surprisingly good imitation of a staticky distress-call, dropping the painful falsetto for a moment to re-enact the first and second that had gone off during their monitoring of the situation. They include a directive for a retreat as well.]
AND ZEN ZEE WARBLER TOLD US TO RUN AWAY, AS THE LIBRARIONS HAD TAKEN MANY A BROOM AND COME OUT TO WIPE US UNDER THE RUGS WITH THEIR EVIL DUST BUNNIES! SO YOU SEE, IT WAS REALLY QUITE DREADFUL! WE LOST EVERYTHING, [Captain sagged in their seat, then swivelled, popped upright again.]
AH, BUT NOT EVERYONE! DUE TO THE VALIANT EFFORTS OF VIEWERS LIKE YOU [they point to the camera, to those of you who've not shut the dreck off yet] ERRYBODY FROM ERRORBUS MANAGED TO MAKE IT HOME ALIVE! LAUDING LIBATIONS ENSUED!
AND I, [They clutch their hand to their chest demurely, adopting their eye-witness voice] I HAVE SAVED ONE THING YET. [They whip out from under their shirt something that looks like an ancient floppy-disc.] I HAVE SAVED A TRANSCRIPT OF THE YODELING YOKELS... BUT CAPTAIN~ I AM TOO NERVOUS TO DELIVER THIS TIDBIT TO ZEE COUNCIL, I AM AFRAID THAT THEY WILL USE IT FOR HARM!
NEIN, WITNESS, [they mime receiving the disc, holding it reverently, even going so far as to stroke it delicately as would a woman from a day-time game show do to any one fabulous prize] THIS IS A SIGN OF RESPECT! I, ZEE CAPTAIN, AM OFFERING YOU THE PEOPLE OF ZION A CHANCE TO LEARN THE SECRETS OF THAT DAY! STEP UP AND PEER BEYOND THE VEIL! FEAR NOT THE EVIL LIBRORIANS, NOR WITHER WAITING OVER LOVED-ONES!!
ARE YOU CLEVER OF MIND, MY SUBSCRIBERS? ARE YOU NANCY OF DREW? BOY OF HARDINESS?? STEP UP AND PUZZLE WITH YOUR EMINENT CAPTAIN, YOUR SEER OF SECRETS AND ENABLER OF UNDERSTANDING!
[After this, the chatter devolves into a more or less over-the-top news report, including weather, gossip (mostly about Snippy), and zodiac reports.]
They've been fiddling with the phone-like device for the last few hours, actually keeping quiet, mostly, leaving Snippy alone on their day off from paper-making and flower-picking and other non-flammable tasks. It appears that they have re-arranged their cramped living-quarters to mimic a GoodNewsNetwork: that is, garrishly decorated with stock charts for imaginary shares of various Zion family shops, finger-painted explosions and romantic renditions of the surface, and smiling faces. They're not terrible drawings, but they're certainly not appropriate for the pragmatism displayed by most of those who've come to call Zion their home.]
GREETINGS, DEAR SUBSCRIBERS, TO A BRAND NEW DAY IN A SPANKING NEW YEAR OF OUR LARD AND SAVINGS-MEISTER NEO, A MAN FOR WHOM PEOPLE STAND UP ON CORNERS AND YELL A LOT OF THINGS AND FOR WHOM THE BUMP-AND-GRIND IS A YEARLY DEVOTION!
I HAVE MANY NEW LOGES TO EXPEDIATE APLOMBISHLY BUT FIRST! BREAKING NEWS!!
[Captain swivels in their chair, grabbing from a stack of hand-made paper sheets to hold up a picture of a crashed wreckage. It bears the likeness of Erebus, if one is familiar with all of the different hovercraft available to the city.]
THE EVERYBUS HAS CRASHED ACROSS FORTY-EIGHTIETH AND NINETY NINER BAY ENTRY, LEAVING SEVERAL INJURED AND MANY FRIGHTENED! AN EYE WITNESS REPORTS!!
[Captain whirls around in their chair, slipping up their massive black ring-scarf and donning a loose, ragged toque in the process. They glance, sparely filled-in brows raised, to the network device, and then off to one side. Whirling back, the doff their cap and yell,]
HELLO, BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY, WE HAVE HEARD THAT YOU WERE CAUGHT IN THE CENTER OF THIS TRAGEDY AND THAT YOU HAVE MANY WONDERFUL INSIGHTS TO SHARE WITH US ON THIS DAY! SURELY SHARING THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION WITH ZION WILL STRENGTHEN THE BONDS OF CAPTANIA WITH ZION, PROVIDING A LASTING ALLEGIANCE THAT WILL REMAIN HONOURED BY OUR GRANDSONS AND GRAND-DAUGHTERS?!
[They whirl again, toque-on. Bringing a hand up to their mouth, they demure, replying]
EHHM--IT IS CONSIDERED A DELICATE MATTER, MEIN CAPTEIN; THERE ARE MANY SENSITIVE MATTERS TO CONCERN THOSE WHO NEED TO KNOW!
NONSENSE! [Another character-swap; Captain continues swiveling the chair to play each role.] ZION NEEDS TO HEAR WITH THEIR SIZZLING EARS THIS HOT TOPIC OF DEBATE!! SPILL THE BEANS, RELEASE THE CATS, AND SPREAD THE NEWS!!!
AHH... WELL, YOU SEE, THE ERRANTBUS WAS GOING ABOUT BUSINESS AS USUAL, AND I, I WAS MANNING THE STATIONS--
TO THE ACTION!
--CAPTAIN, PLEASE! AS I WAS SAYING, I WAS MANNING ALL OF THE STATIONS, WHEN A DESPERATE PLEA CAME OVER THE RADIO, BREAKING THE COMMUNICATIONS SILENCE WHICH WE HAD BEEN REQUIRED TO UPHOLD. THE MACHINES ARE VERY STRICT LIBRARIANS WHO PREFER TO SHUSH THOSE OF US WHO CHOOSE TO VISIT THEIR VAST STOCKS OF READING MATERIAL YOU KNOW--
--GET TO THE POINT!
--AH!! WELL YOU SEE!! [Captain leans over and digs up a stack of papers, showing a picture of four red-sweatered people raising their arms with... stink lines? Noise lines, more likely, emanating from two of their faces.] I LISTENED VERY CLOSELY, SO CLOSELY THAT MY EARS THEY WERE PRESSED RIGHT INTO THE SPEAKERPHONES, AND RECEIVED TWO MESSAGES.
[They proceed to do a surprisingly good imitation of a staticky distress-call, dropping the painful falsetto for a moment to re-enact the first and second that had gone off during their monitoring of the situation. They include a directive for a retreat as well.]
AND ZEN ZEE WARBLER TOLD US TO RUN AWAY, AS THE LIBRARIONS HAD TAKEN MANY A BROOM AND COME OUT TO WIPE US UNDER THE RUGS WITH THEIR EVIL DUST BUNNIES! SO YOU SEE, IT WAS REALLY QUITE DREADFUL! WE LOST EVERYTHING, [Captain sagged in their seat, then swivelled, popped upright again.]
AH, BUT NOT EVERYONE! DUE TO THE VALIANT EFFORTS OF VIEWERS LIKE YOU [they point to the camera, to those of you who've not shut the dreck off yet] ERRYBODY FROM ERRORBUS MANAGED TO MAKE IT HOME ALIVE! LAUDING LIBATIONS ENSUED!
AND I, [They clutch their hand to their chest demurely, adopting their eye-witness voice] I HAVE SAVED ONE THING YET. [They whip out from under their shirt something that looks like an ancient floppy-disc.] I HAVE SAVED A TRANSCRIPT OF THE YODELING YOKELS... BUT CAPTAIN~ I AM TOO NERVOUS TO DELIVER THIS TIDBIT TO ZEE COUNCIL, I AM AFRAID THAT THEY WILL USE IT FOR HARM!
NEIN, WITNESS, [they mime receiving the disc, holding it reverently, even going so far as to stroke it delicately as would a woman from a day-time game show do to any one fabulous prize] THIS IS A SIGN OF RESPECT! I, ZEE CAPTAIN, AM OFFERING YOU THE PEOPLE OF ZION A CHANCE TO LEARN THE SECRETS OF THAT DAY! STEP UP AND PEER BEYOND THE VEIL! FEAR NOT THE EVIL LIBRORIANS, NOR WITHER WAITING OVER LOVED-ONES!!
ARE YOU CLEVER OF MIND, MY SUBSCRIBERS? ARE YOU NANCY OF DREW? BOY OF HARDINESS?? STEP UP AND PUZZLE WITH YOUR EMINENT CAPTAIN, YOUR SEER OF SECRETS AND ENABLER OF UNDERSTANDING!
[After this, the chatter devolves into a more or less over-the-top news report, including weather, gossip (mostly about Snippy), and zodiac reports.]